The Truth About Self-Love: What Healing Really Looks Like

Do you want to love yourself more? There are things that you can do that can help you to love yourself more than you ever have. Even though it seems that our culture is based around well-being and obsessed with the consequences of not following certain things, psychology shows us the toxic aspects that can lead to loneliness in our lives.

The concept of “self-love” is something that has been around forever. If you’ve been rejected or are fragile, dealing with low self-esteem, self-love might be something that helps you build more self-worth. When you feel low, you need to look at a way to feel better, and sometimes people will go to a psychic to help them with this.

Maybe you don’t believe them, and you wonder what they are supposed to do for you. But at the same time, if you feel that you need validation, you might need to talk to someone, and instead of looking at a psychic as a joke, you might see that if you give them a try, then you aren’t going to be disappointed.

Some people go into readings, and they look at what a psychic might have for them. Some psychics have tools like tarot cards, crystal balls, or other things that might catch the client’s eye when they go in. Some psychics have books that people can read while they wait.

Personal Experience of Seeing a Psychic

The first time I stumbled across the idea of “loving yourself” was at an art fair in Melbourne, Australia. I wasn’t searching for anything deep; I was just trying to kill time after being stood up by a guy I didn’t even like.

Still, rejection has a funny way of kicking you when you’re already down. My self-esteem, which wasn’t in the best shape to begin with, completely crumbled. I remember wishing I could disappear, crawl into a porta potty and vanish forever. You know that kind of ache?

So, there I was, nearly 8,000 miles from home and totally disconnected from myself, obsessively refreshing my phone like it held the secret to my worth. Every minute felt heavier than the last. Then, out of nowhere, I noticed a psychic booth tucked between two stalls.

I can’t explain what made me walk toward it. At the time, I didn’t even believe in psychics or any of that stuff. Maybe I was just grasping at something, anything that might make me feel okay. If this guy couldn’t make me feel wanted, maybe this stranger with a deck of cards could?

Spoiler: it did not go how I imagined. It was like one of those movie moments where you’re rooting for the main character, but the scene is so painfully awkward that you want to hide behind a pillow. That’s how I felt as I sat down across from her like I was the punchline of some big cosmic joke.

Before the reading, I wandered around outside the booth pretending to admire the trinkets, secretly plotting all the savage comebacks I’d say to my no-show date if I ever saw him again. There were crystals, incense, tarot decks, all the usual. But something grabbed my attention: a small book with a bold title that read “When I Finally Chose to Love Myself.”

I opened it and started flipping through.

• “When I began loving myself, I stopped accepting scraps.”
• “When I chose to love myself, I finally recognized my own worth.”
• “Loving myself helped me see life as a gift, not a burden.”
• “As I leaned into self-love, I realized I was always where I needed to be, and that I could just breathe.”

The idea of “self-love” seemed both ridiculous and kind of fascinating. But not nearly as fascinating as the mysterious woman who waved me into her booth like she already knew I’d show up.

I closed the book quickly, a little embarrassed that I’d gotten pulled in by something so earnest and followed her inside. Looking back, I must’ve been giving off some seriously messy energy, because within five minutes she looked me dead in the eye and said something that completely shattered me.

“There’s nothing alive inside you,” she told me, as if she were pointing out a price tag at the grocery store.

“Wait, what?” I stammered, totally confused. What did she mean? Like, my soul had left the building. Was I emotionally numb? Was she saying I was actually dying? I needed more answers but couldn’t even find the words.

After that, most of the session is a blur. But honestly? The damage was already done. I left feeling worse than when I arrived, like I’d been cracked open with no way to put myself back together. On the way home, I truly didn’t know if I could take it. It was that heavy. I called my best friend, and she said something I’ll never forget: “You’ve got to learn how to love yourself.”

I thought back to that tiny book sitting outside the booth and made a quiet promise to myself: One day, I’ll write my own version of that book. I’ll figure out what self-love really means. And so began the journey. Over the next seven or eight years, I threw myself into understanding self-love, reading, learning, and growing. I’m still learning. That book is still writing itself. But what I’ve discovered so far is worth sharing.

The takeaway? Don’t let someone else’s spiritual take-down define you, especially when you’re already in a vulnerable place. But that moment, as painful as it was, ended up pushing me toward something much deeper.

Now, this is where I’m supposed to say I’ve mastered the whole self-love thing. But let’s be real, I haven’t. Because self-love isn’t a checklist or a one-and-done lesson. It’s not a quick fix or a perfectly curated morning routine. It’s a messy, ongoing, deeply personal process. And yes, you’ll screw it up along the way. Congratulations, you’re human.

But here’s the good news: I’ve taken everything I’ve learned, through books, inner work, and straight-up trial and error and boiled it down into this blog and an e-book I’ll mention later.

So, let’s jump in, and start piecing this together.

Understanding the Psychology Behind Self-Love

Not too long ago, the idea of self-love would’ve been met with judgment or even shame. For older generations, loving yourself wasn’t something to aim for but it was something to avoid. The mindset back then was all about proving your worth through hard work, sacrifice, and self-denial. That was the moral standard, heavily influenced by religious values that praised humility and putting others first. Suffering was seen as noble. If you were tired, burned out, or depleted, you were probably doing something “right.”

But then came the cultural shift of the 1960s and 70s. The counterculture movement rose up and basically said, “We don’t have to live like this anymore.” People started questioning the systems that made them feel small or unworthy. And just like that, a new value started taking root—one that allowed space for joy, freedom, and yes, self-love.

That change opened a lot of doors. It told us it was okay to care about our own needs and to treat ourselves with kindness. But like with many social movements, the pendulum didn’t just swing, but it flew. In trying to escape the chains of guilt, some of us unknowingly walked straight into a different trap: self-centeredness and ego-driven thinking.

And this isn’t just something I’ve read in a boo,k but it’s something I’ve lived. My own issues with self-hate and emotional shutdown didn’t come from religion, but they came from a similar place deep inside me. Ironically, that same pain also drove me toward behaviors that looked like selfishness. It’s a weird contradiction like how can someone struggle with self-loathing and still behave in narcissistic ways?

The answer is both can come from the same inner pattern. I’ll explain more about that in a bit. For now, let’s take a look at what psychology actually says about self-love.

The Self-Positivity Bias

In psychology, what we often refer to as “self-love” is studied under the term self-positivity bias. This is the natural tendency we all have to view ourselves a little more positively than we view other people. Basically, it’s your brain saying, “I’m doing okay,” even when things aren’t perfect. And surprisingly, this is not a bad thing. It’s actually a big part of how we stay emotionally stable.

This bias helps build self-esteem, motivation, and that inner push that gets us out of bed when we’re having a rough day. On the flip side, when people lack that positive view of themselves, they often fall into depression, anxiety, or chronic self-doubt. So, having some level of self-favoritism is kind of a necessary part of being mentally healthy.

In one study, researchers explored how people’s brains respond to information that relates to themselves. The results weren’t shocking; we pay more attention to anything that mentions us. But what was really interesting was how we react to that info. When the information is positive and fits what we already believe about ourselves, our brain gives it a small nod, like, “Yeah, sounds about right.”

But when the info is negative and doesn’t match how we see ourselves? The brain lights up like, “Wait, what’s this?!”

This reaction was especially strong in people with low self-esteem. Which means, even if you don’t think very highly of yourself, your brain still doesn’t like being called out in ways that don’t match your inner narrative, even if that narrative is painful.

So, what does this mean for self-love? It tells us that our internal self-view is powerful. The more positive and stable that view is, the more grounded and regulated we feel emotionally. Self-love creates a kind of mental ecosystem that influences how we think, how we feel, and what we do.

So, What Is Self-Love, really?

At this point, you’re probably wondering things like What does self-love actually mean? And more importantly, how do you recognize it in real life? Thankfully, psychology has a pretty good breakdown of what genuine self-love looks like, and it’s not all bubble baths and vision boards.

Three Core Parts of Real Self-Love

Psychologists in the humanistic tradition describe self-love as something we learn. It’s not a personality trait or something only certain people get to have, but it’s a skill. And like any skill, it’s built over time. The foundation of that skill is made up of three parts:

• Self-contact
• Self-acceptance
• Self-care

Let’s talk through these.

Self-contact means being in tune with your own inner world. It’s the ability to check in with yourself, like your fears, your desires, your reactions, and really ask, “Why am I feeling this way?” It’s about noticing your thoughts instead of running from them, and trying to understand yourself, even when what’s coming up is messy or confusing.

Self-acceptance is about making peace with who you are, as you are. It’s looking at the parts you usually criticize, like your insecurities, your temper, your mistakes, and saying, “You’re allowed to be here, too.” It doesn’t mean we stop growing. It means we stop pretending we’re supposed to be perfect first.

Self-care isn’t just about doing nice things for yourself, but it’s also about how you treat yourself when you’re struggling. Do you shame yourself when you make a mistake, or do you offer comfort? Self-care also means knowing which relationships help you grow and which ones keep you stuck. It’s not just candles and journaling. Its boundaries. It’s honesty. It’s letting go of what drains you.

The Real Markers of Self-Love

When you put those three together, real self-love includes:

• Knowing who you are and how you feel.
• Accepting your flaws and mistakes
• Admitting when you’re critical or reactive.
• Letting all emotions both good and bad to be valid
• Being kind to yourself when things are hard.
• Choosing relationships that support your peace.
• Doing what lights you up inside.

Sounds pretty healthy, right? But of course, there’s always a catch.

When Self-Love Becomes Something Else

So, can self-love become toxic? Yes, and honestly, that’s where things get tricky.

Sometimes what’s called self-love is actually just ego wearing a different outfit. In the age of TikTok mantras and curated self-care routines, self-love has become a brand. And in that brand, the line between healing and harm can get blurry.

Let’s look at why.

Earlier, we talked about something called the self-positivity bias, that natural brain tendency to view ourselves a little more positively than others. That bias helps protect our self-esteem and keep us resilient. But it also feeds into a bigger pattern called self-enhancement. This is the brain’s habit of giving ourselves too much credit, while downplaying the role of others, or external factors, in our successes or failures.

A classic example? The “better-than-average” effect. Most people believe they’re better than average at everything, from being kind to driving a car. Statistically impossible, but super common.

So where does this fit into self-love? Well, when we mistake inflated self-perception for genuine self-worth, it becomes less about healing and more about defending the ego. And when we’re not aware of that shift, we start labeling things as “self-love” that are actually just toxic patterns in disguise.

Toxic Behaviors That Get Dressed Up as Self-Love

Here are some behaviors that are often called self-love but actually pull us further away from growth and connection:

• Being hurtful or disrespectful and calling it “speaking your truth.”
  (“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.”)
• Avoiding tough conversations and calling it “boundaries.”
  (“I don’t do negativity, so I’m cutting you off.”)
• Dismissing real emotions and calling it “positivity.”
  (“Only good vibes here!”)
• Making reckless choices and calling it “doing what feels right.”
  (“I’m just following my truth, no matter the consequences.”)
• Refusing to take responsibility for your actions, calling it “self-love no matter what.”
  (“I’m done changing for people. Take it or leave it.”)
• Always putting yourself first, even when it harms others.
  (“I’m the main character. Period.”)

Here’s the deal: none of these things are about real self-love. They’re about unchecked ego. They’re defenses. Their walls. And they usually come from pain that hasn’t been processed.

Self-love doesn’t mean never being wrong. It doesn’t mean avoiding growth. And it definitely doesn’t mean hurting others and calling it healing.

When we don’t keep our self-positivity bias in check, it becomes really easy to turn self-love into self-protection at the cost of growth, empathy, and healthy relationships.

When “Self-Love” Becomes Narcissism

Let’s go deeper into that tricky line between self-love and narcissism. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for staying with me. This part is where things start to click.

There’s an article I come back to again and again, The Science of Spiritual Narcissism by Scott Barry Kaufman, an existential psychologist whose work I truly respect. If you’re someone who’s on any kind of spiritual or self-growth path, I really recommend reading it. It explains something I’ve felt for years but didn’t have the language to describe.

In that article, Kaufman breaks down how spiritual practices, like yoga or meditation, can actually feed the ego if we’re not careful. Studies have shown that there’s a two-way relationship between spirituality and narcissism. On one hand, people with narcissistic traits might naturally gravitate toward spiritual tools because they can boost their self-image. On the other hand, even well-meaning spiritual practices can create narcissistic patterns when they’re used the wrong way.

What do I mean by “the wrong way”? When we treat spirituality like a performance or use it to improve ourselves only to be more successful, more attractive, more focused, more admired, essentially more anything, we’re not really practicing spirituality. We’re polishing the ego. That’s where the self-enhancement bias comes in.

The self-enhancement bias is that little part of our mind that constantly wants to see ourselves in the best possible light. It’s sneaky. It’s protective. And when it takes over our spiritual growth, we end up with that smug, “I’m so much more awakened than you” vibe. That’s spiritual narcissism in a nutshell.

The irony? Real spiritual practice isn’t about being special, but it’s about being honest. It’s about witnessing the ego, not feeding it. When spiritual practice becomes just another path to self-optimization, we lose the whole point. Compassion, clarity, jo,y and those are supposed to be side effects, not the goal. The goal is presence. Awareness. Surrender. The rest follows naturally.

The Same Thing Happens with Self-Love

Western culture has taught us to chase self-love the way we chase every other kind of success. We’re told to “love ourselves more” so we can finally be beautiful enough, confident enough, calm enough, powerful enough.

But when self-love is just a strategy to reach another goal, we’re not really learning to love ourselves. We’re just trying to make the ego feel better about itself. And when the self-positivity bias goes unchecked, we start mistaking self-love for something else entirely, something performative, even harmful. That’s when “self-love” becomes code for narcissism.

True self-love isn’t a goal. It’s not something we chase or try to become. It’s something we experience, organically, by living out those three key elements I talked about earlier: self-contact, self-acceptance, and self-care. When we engage with ourselves in real, meaningful ways, that warm, steady self-love shows up on its own. No forcing. No performing. Just the truth.

The Self-Love Contradiction

Remember when I mentioned that odd contradiction, like how both self-contempt and selfishness can come from the same place? Let’s unpack that now.

A lot of people think narcissism means someone who’s obsessed with themselves. But the truth is more complicated. Most narcissism is actually built on top of deep insecurity. It’s not an overflow of self-lov,e but it’s a survival strategy.

Narcissistic traits are often fueled by fragile self-worth. It’s someone trying to protect themselves from rejection, failure, or judgment by building a bigger, shinier version of who they think they should be. It’s a mask. Underneath the “I’m better than you” energy is usually a quiet terror that they’re not good enough at all.

So, how do they cope? They overcompensate. They create a grand image of who they wish they were and demand constant praise to keep that image from cracking. And because they’re spending all their energy trying to maintain this performance, they often struggle to form deep, real relationships. People become tools, not companions.

That’s why narcissism often leads to shallow connections and performative healing. And while narcissism is often vilified, rightfully, in many cases, we need to recognize it’s not always malicious, but it’s a reaction. A symptom. And if we’re honest? Most of us carry narcissistic traits in some form. It’s not black and white. It’s a spectrum. And living in a Western culture that rewards image over depth, performance over vulnerability, we’ve all inherited pieces of it.

What makes this really dangerous in spiritual circles is that it gets hidden. We think we’re doing the work, but often, we’re just bypassing the real pain. Instead of healing the wound, we decorate it with mantras, affirmations, and curated rituals. That’s spiritual bypassing. And it’s everywhere.

Why This Matters So Much

A lot of this performative self-love and spiritual narcissism is actually rooted in trauma. That trauma is made worse by the pressure we all feel to be endlessly successful, balanced, and self-sufficient in a world that’s, well, really hard. Most of us are carrying stress, grief, or survival mode, and we’ve never had the space or support to process.

According to the National Council for Behavioral Health, around 70% of Americans have lived through a traumatic event at least once. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed or like you’re just faking your way through this “self-love” thing, you’re not alone.

This is why I believe so strongly in trauma-informed care, social responsibility, and building better systems that support healing and not just personal growth, but collective liberation. I actually created an ethical entrepreneurship course based on this principle, if you’re curious to learn more.

Because here’s the bottom line: In a world that’s both traumatized and obsessed with individual success, the answer isn’t more self-love. It’s different self-love. Self-love is rooted in community. Self-love that’s not afraid to say, “I need help.” Self-love that cares just as much about healing with others as it does about growing alone.

Self-love is important. But it’s not the whole story. If we really want to thrive, we have to shift away from hyper-individualism and step into something new, something grounded in connection, compassion, and collective healing. That’s where the real magic begins.

Final Thoughts

True self-love isn’t something we find in a trending quote or a perfectly curated morning routine; it’s something we grow into, slowly, as we learn to see ourselves and others with more honesty and compassion. It’s not about proving our worth, fixing every flaw, or finally reaching some polished version of ourselves. It’s about meeting ourselves as we are, without performance, and recognizing that real healing happens in relationship with our communities, with our values, and with the collective story we’re all a part of.

If we’ve learned anything from the rise of spiritual narcissism and hyper-individualism, it’s this: the more we turn inward without reflection, the easier it is to lose sight of the truth that we belong to each other. Self-love doesn’t mean isolating ourselves from others to protect our glow. It means tending to that inner light so we can show up for each other better.

So, if your journey of self-love feels confusing or heavy sometimes, that’s okay. You’re not doing it wrong. The path isn’t meant to be perfect, but it’s meant to be real. Keep asking questions. Keep showing up. And when in doubt, choose connection over performance. Choose presence over perfection.

You’re not alone in this.  I’m so grateful you’re here, and I hope this reflection brings you closer to a version of self-love that feels whole, grounded, and deeply human.