‘Why Should I Stop Hating your Ex’? In other words, what’s in it for you – to either keep the fire raging or to move on? There’s got to be a mighty good reason to change before most of us are willing to put in the effort.
Stopping hating your ex has to be about you feeling better. You’re not likely to shift only for the sake of your children or out of political correctness or spiritual zeal. Do it for yourself.
You Gave Them Everything
When you two were together, you really gave it your very best. You gave them love, a home, clothes, food, money, medical attention…whatever it was that they needed, you tried to provide. Many times you did without things just so they could be given what they needed, or so you thought at the time.
The Evil Spin Doctor
Now you find out that they spin history in a fevered pitch. Suddenly you are the most evil thing this side of one-size-fits-all pantyhose! The more you try to defend yourself, the more you begin obsessing and that begins a dreadful downward spiral. Yes, they spread lies about you. Yes, their version of history was obviously written by Stephen King. And, yes, there is nothing you can do about it that won’t exacerbate the problems.
It Takes Two
In your logical mind, you know that the breakup was really the cause of BOTH of you. It is rarely plausible that the entire time could have been completely bad for one and completely wonderful for the other. However, now is a good time to really analyze why your relationship ended and what was your true role in the dissolution.
Attributes and Shortcomings
Write down 10 things for which you are very proud that you did while you were with them. Then write down 10 things for which you aren’t so proud that took place during your relationship. Beside each attribute and each shortcoming, write down why you did what you did and how you think it would have made your ex feel at the time. No fair trying to justify, just write down the raw emotion.
Often when we think we are helping someone (whether it’s financial or emotional or whatever) we are actually forcing them to stay in a subservient role. In order for there to be a “savior” in a relationship there must also always be a “victim.” One cannot exist without the other. As you can see it is very easy to slide into the “enabling” role without ever meaning to do such a thing.
When you look at making sacrifices for someone, what you are really doing is encouraging them to use you. You are telling them by your actions that you deserve to be disregarded and your needs are not as important as theirs. There will always be times when certain sacrifices should be made, but those moments should be localized and limited and they should NOT become a way of life.
You Don’t Need to be a Superhero
Once you have looked at your lists, begin to realize that each moment in that relationship was endured and experienced just so you could love better and more freely when the next person comes into your life—and believe me, there WILL be a next person. This time, however, you will not allow yourself to begin a relationship with someone who needs to be “repaired.” If they start the conversation off by telling you all of their “problems and frailties” take a polite exit and don’t look back! They are trolling for a superhero and you do not have that kind of time!
Look at your ex now and ask yourself whether never receiving a “thank you” from them is really worth ruining a perfectly good day. Look at the people in your life now who love you, who cherish all your strengths and weaknesses and who do so as strong and balanced human beings, not broken or wounded souls who need to be carried to their next drama point.
Your Deserve Better
You deserve better and that is exactly what you will receive when you look at what you have and learn from what you no longer possess. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is apathy. Do not deaden your heart toward your ex, but, instead, look at the lesson and release the emotion. The Universe can handle such magnitudes of feelings far better than the human heart. The Universe has much more storage room!
The idea of listing attributes and shortcomings is a practical method for self-reflection. It’s interesting to think about how our actions influence others and vice versa.
The article brings up some valid points about personal healing and growth. It’s crucial to focus on oneself rather than harboring negative feelings toward an ex.
The concept of not needing to be a superhero in relationships is crucial. Many people fall into the trap of trying to ‘fix’ their partners.
True, trying to ‘repair’ someone can often lead to an unhealthy dynamic. It’s important to find balance and mutual respect in relationships.
I find the notion that the opposite of love is apathy rather than hate quite thought-provoking. It frames the process of moving on in a more empowering way.
I appreciate the perspective shared in this article. Letting go of hatred seems like a step towards self-improvement.
I agree with both of you. It’s important to shift the focus from the past to the present and future.
Indeed, harboring resentment can be detrimental to one’s mental well-being. Focusing on self-growth is a healthier approach.